32 years feels like yesterday 

To say my life changed forever, 32 years ago, is quite the understatement. A part of me died, this day, along with you.  I lost myself, and watched as a new me was created in the shadow of your leaving.

Adam Harris Deffenbaugh, was born on May 30th 1984 in Peoria, IL and he died on October 16, 1988 in Fort Collins, CO.  He was 4 years old, and was the light of our lives.  The way he touched so many in such a short amount of time, is the true testament to who he was.

Diagnosed Christmas 1987, with a very rare form of childhood cancer Burkitt's Lymphoma, he would live 10 months, and during those months, he went through chemo, radiation, relapse and through all of it, he was a stoic as a child fighting cancer always is.

I miss you Adam, and on this anniversary of losing you, I am reminded of your words to me all those years ago, "Mommy, you will never lose me for I will always be right here!" as you placed your tiny hand on my heart!  You were right, I have not lost you, I carry you with me every day!

I know that I will see you again one day, I hold onto that faith.  Though it has not been easy, and missing you, and the pain of all of it, is still sharp, I am thankful for all you taught me my dear son.  

I am a better person, for having loved you and watching you go through that horrible disease.  You fought so hard to stay here with us.  Letting you go was the hardest thing, I have ever had to do, but your dad and I knew it was for the best.  Your little body was ravaged and we no longer wanted to see you in that pain.  

I hope you know, that your nephews are learning all about you, and our love for you.  They remind me of you in many ways. It is as if you sent them to us, to help heal that scathing emptiness deep in our hearts.  I love you, and please say hello, to Grandma and Grandpa for me!

Love Mommy,